Why I’ve given up on online dating.

I have been dabbling in the world of online dating for about a year now. I’m still single, so I’m not about to bore you with a gushing post about how wonderful it is. Actually it sucks. I think part of the reason I’ve not found my prince charming is because I’ve only been using free dating sites.

However, my online dating experience has served to provide me with some hilarious messages which I shall share with you now. These are all genuine messages that have been sent to me over the past year. All are unedited (apart from email addresses)!

  • jiya im tom a kind fun loving single dad whos silly funny open and we me

I’ve looked up jiya in the urban dictionary and it doesn’t appear to be a modern adaption of a popular greeting! I’m still waiting to find out what a “we me” is? I’m wondering if it’s the cute little avatar you use when chatting on MSN perhaps? Or perhaps it’s a watersports related sexual fetish?

  • Hi do you fancy a honey roasted man for dinner?

and the same guy also sent me this message

  • if you and a man and woman were caught by cannibals on a desert Island and one of you must be cooked for dinner and the others can eat and go free, would you let them cook you or get them to cook the man or woman ?

Now this guy clearly has some weird cannibalism fantasies going on. Whilst the content of his messages are quite disturbing, I also find it very intriguing and my inquisitive nature wants to know more about the type of person that would send these messages. Can he not find a like minded individual on “cannibaldating.co.uk”?

  • hello my eyes ? well what could a man say to tat eah!!!! well it could be worse i suppose being near bideford you could of had webbed feet or 3 heads at least lol only kidding !!! hehe well im intrugged to say the least !! im a born and bread in bideford and i thought i knew everyone obviously not lol !!! im happily divorced and have 3 beautiful children which are my world and i love spending as much time as i can !!! now im at the point that there should be a little me time now to find my missing link !! ( god that sounds sad lol) but anyway i have a great sense of humour, witty, romantic , honest and reliable !!! so email me i dont bite i promise lol
    embarrassing moment
    ok just over two months i was in the country side in the middle of nowhere and busting to go loo , so in a dark wooded area of an almost dis used road i decide i had to pull over and go !!! after i was there happily going i looked in front of me to see a woman on her knees in the middle of this dark wooded area painting the fence of the gateway that i was weeing against !!! i just didnt know what to say so i drove off as fast as i could !!! lol but i almost died of embarrassment !!!

The caps lock/shift key on this guys keyboard must be broken. I’m wondering what “intrugged” is? Is it catching? Can it be treated? Is it terminal? I also really appreciated the fact that he shared his embarrassing moment….

  • l saw u .. l look u … this is a dream it must be a dream , l know u caming in paradise and u are angel from Turkey Aziz. Can u chat me? My msn xxxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.com
    you are very beatifull

I have to admire this guys attempt at the English language.

  • did you you say sticky tape?
    man your talkin my language hehe
    something interesting about me?i look like a bad bad shaped potato,and when i double date with the elephant man he’s the looker but if ya can beat me at trivial pursuit, i’ll do a handstand and piss in my eye…haha did i mention im not wired up right?

Well this guy has certainly sold himself to me! A nut job, gymnastic, potato shaped, elephant man lookalike – sound exactly like my type of man! When’s our first date?

  • well i see u view me, but never say hi.. so i thought i would hello to youfancy a chat??

Yeah, I viewed your profile. I saw that you were a fat, ugly, minger and quickly exited before I deposited my lunch over my keyboard. No I don’t fancy a chat. If I fancied a chat I would have messaged you!

  • hey there im kye,24 yr old guy,was jus guna log off coz no1 caught my eye untill i saw u!! ur gorgeous an id love a chat? xxxx

Text speak just does it for me. Obviously intelligent and articulate, just what I’m looking for!

  • Hi: How you doing babe, I red about you an dI very much like you , you are good , you are pretty and you are sexy which is in favour of every man. do you think I am right then lets talk babeX X X

Who’s ‘Di’ and why are you red about us? Who said I was ‘good’ – that’s certainly not in my profile. I can be bad too! I’m glad my pretty, sexiness is doing every man a favour – I now have a purpose in life, phew! You’re very “wrong”, actually.

  • I know it’s a little sudden, but i love you and we should be married have kids and live happy ever after!

The worlds quickest ever proposal? We’ve never even met. It seems like my life has been mapped out for me, no effort involved. Happy days!

  • heloo sexy can u chating xlolx?

Is chating another one of those weird sexual fantasies? I hope it doesn’t hurt? Do I need a licence to ‘chate’?

  • Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to smell a lady’s feet and suck her toes and then lick her soles and generally clean her feet and lick between her toes to make her feet subtle before embarking on giving her sore feet a nice realxing massage. I am a foot fetishist and it is just something I love to do. Have done three Christmas shoppers last month. One pair of feet was a size 5 and another a 6 and the other was 8. One was slight cheesy but very sweaty out of boot and the other two were very smelly fresh from trainers and sweaty. I cleaned them all and gave them really good relaxing massages.Fancy a massage?

Fancy a size 7 in your knackers? Take your foot fetish off to a more appropriate website and stop sending me these messages. I’m looking for a date not to pimp myself out to satisfy someones sexual fantasies!

  • Hi, Would you be up for a real wrestling match? I can train you first, and I’m willing to pay you to wrestle too!My msn is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx@hotmail.co.uk
    Cheers

    Ralph

Hmmmm … £££ … I wonder how much they’d pay? Or perhaps I ought to face the reality that I look like a sumo wrestler.

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3 responses

  1. Ha! Found this site when an idiot also sent me the ‘cannibal’ email! I sent him this page in reply. Great writing gal! Keep looking on the funny side of things…

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